Have you ever asked why? Why do I feel like this? Why am I this way? Why do I have to deal with this? Why do people treat me this way? Why am I here?
I know I’ve asked these question and many others a number of times throughout my short lifetime. In fact, some of these questions are ones I think about every single day. “Why do I feel like this?” is one that frequents my thoughts. Every move I make, even if it’s reaching to the table next to me for a drink, results in aching and shooting pain. “Why do I feel like this?” “Why is it fair?” “Why can’t I be a normal person?” “Why did this have to turn my life upside down?”
I feel pain every day, always feeling sick, and it’s hard for people to understand. I can’t live my life the way I use to; I can barely leave the house. And I always stay by myself in my room, hurting. I can’t be in school, I have trouble doing any of the things I use to do, and I lie awake at nights for hours aching all over. Why? I always ask why. Why me? I can’t live my life so why am I here? My life, my dreams, have been put on hold. I have trouble seeing any future. And I keep asking why.
I miss my old life, the activities I used to do. I miss choir, singing every week; I miss my friends and seeing them as often as I used to. I miss relief from pain.
But even though this plagues my mind every day, I just need to remember one thing: I am here for a reason. We are all here for a reason. We were each made the way we are because this was the way it was supposed to be, no matter what obstacles we encounter. When I think these things now, I always try to think this.
There is a reason I feel this way. Maybe I was put on Earth like this to write, write about how I feel and be here for those who feel the same way. Maybe I’m here to help other not feel alone as I have so many times. Is that why?
Writing is slowly healing me. Even though it can’t take away all the pain, it can take my mind away from it. It can bring a joy to my heart, the joy that went missing a few years back. And the thought that maybe, just maybe, I’m helping others out there makes everything better, makes everything fall into place for me. My life can be a jumbled mess but writing sorts it out. And I can pour each and every one of my feelings into my words, easing the burden of holding it inside.
We were all put here for a reason, no matter what you think. We just need to find that reason, and we all will one day. Each one of us is an essential piece of the puzzle that makes up our world. If one goes missing, the world is never whole. We are more important than we know. And next time you begin to wonder why, tell yourself that. Part of life is finding what we were all put here to do. Remind yourself that whatever it is that feels like a burden on your life is a key part of making you whole and making you who you are and there’s always at least one person out there who understands.
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